


would it really kill you if we kissed?

by unhookingstarswithoutpermission



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, Star Wars Episode V: Empire Strikes Back, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff, Loads of pining, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, a little bit clichey, it's basically 3k of fluff, loads of fluff, with a little angst at the beginning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 11:17:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6516256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unhookingstarswithoutpermission/pseuds/unhookingstarswithoutpermission
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>If he can't escape the thoughts of Han that fill his mind throughout the whole day, then he can at least escape the man while he's around: this thesis make sense to him somehow. If I can't see him, I can't want him; or at least he tells himself this much, even though the yearning for Han gets wilder, brighter, sourer every night. </i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>or the one where Luke and Han pin after each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	would it really kill you if we kissed?

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically just 3k of tooth-roothing fluff with no pretense to it, inspired by Halsey's song Drive - as you can see from the title. It's supposed to be set after Episode IV and before Episode V, and Luke is travelling with Han because why not?  
> English is not my first language so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes. Enjoy!

The Falcon has become so familiar that Luke could almost walk around it with his eyes closed. He knows where the rooms are by heart, he has memorised the most frequent problematic the engines have. He has not yet learned how to drive it, but he is used, by now, to taking his seat as a copilot while Chewbacca is somewhere else, resting or doing whatever he does in his spare time. The Wookie has not minded a bit the slight intrusion of the Jedi boy, who had already become a friend.

Whenever he is wandering about the Falcon, Luke does his best not to get in Han's way. Not because he doesn't want to stay with him, not at all, and maybe – maybe _that's_ the problem. That he does want to stay near to the smuggler, and even though he hasn't had much experience in relationships with people who are not family members, something in his guts tells him he has to draw the line, or Han will know, and what _then_?

If he can't escape the thoughts of Han that fill his mind throughout the whole day, then he can at least escape the man while he's around: this thesis make sense to him somehow. _If I can't see him, I can't want him_ ; or at least he tells himself this much, even though the yearning for Han gets wilder, brighter, sourer every night. He goes to sleep thinking of where he has last seen him – usually in the main hall of the ship, or down where the engines are; Han doesn't seem to go to sleep at any reasonable hour – and as soon as he wakes up, he converges the Force in his mind to locate him.

The way he can feel Han through the Force is _ridiculous_ : in his head, Han is as bright as the stars are, and he knows that it isn't right. He should not be able to sense Han so vividly, especially because the man has no bond whatsoever to the Force itself; Luke is not sure he even believes in it at all. However, Han's a fixed point where Luke's mind return regularly, he's a recurrent thought he can not ignore.

There are moments, though, Han and Luke can not be separated: when Leia calls, for example, they become yet again the couple of partners-in-crime they were at the start of their friendship, prepared to leave as soon as Leia has spoken a word. They are good fighters, both of them in their own way, but when they fight together – they are the closest humans can get to the concept of _invincibility_. They just work ridiculously well when they are side by side, and they never get the need to question that: it's just a matter of fact. Sometimes, Luke wonders if there is something similar to the Force that permits Han to be bonded to him. It is too sweet an option, though, so he doesn't allow himself to think about it for more than a mere moment. Whenever one of them is hurt, they become over-protective, almost motherly to one another. Once, Han had told Luke he was used to tending to his wounds on his own, that he could handle whatever Luke was worryingly examining. Luke's heart had sunk at Han's rough voice, and the boy had felt compelled to turn around and assure him that he had no need to handle that alone. Luke had to bite back what he was going to say next: that Han didn't need to go through any other pain alone, now that he was there. The brief exchange had left Han wondering why he was suddenly short of breath and Luke overheating, a not-so-faint blush risen to his cheeks. Neither of them had brought the conversation any further.

There is another kind of moment both of them cherish dearly, because it is becoming rarer as the tension on the spaceship grows, fueled by their confusion. In fact, whenever one of them decides he wants to leave and go somewhere else – because he is bored, done with the planet they are currently on, or struggling to flee from the law – and proposes that to the others, always capturing their assent, Luke finds himself sitting at Han's side. Chewbacca always finds an excuse not to be the copilot, so Luke has no other choice; not that it bothers him. He adores getting to be there, able to look both at the space and at Han simultaneously, thinking about how glad he would be if only they were both his. And while the space is, _virtually_ , his to see, Han is getting more and more distant. The fault is on both of them: they have decided, for some reasons, to surrender to the silence that was filling the Falcon unmercifully.

 

* * *

 

 

They have been immersed in the silence of the spaceship for too long when Han announces that Luke has to see a mostly inhabited planet, made for ninety per cent of water – “I have no enemies there _yet_ , I have to do something about it, kid”, he had said, causing both of them to grin. They leave quickly, and Luke is already making for the training room when he hears Han calling his name. He is by his side in minutes, and he understands as soon has he notices the way Chewbacca is curled on himself, almost as if he's sick. He doesn't know what the two have said to each other while he wasn't there, but he doesn't even have to think before he puts his hand on Chewie's arm and tells him to go get some rest, he can take his place.

Chewbacca says goodbye to the both of them, then adds, growling, something neither of them replies to: Luke is not quite able to understand him yet, besides for the simpler phrases and words, and Han just fixes a point in the sky in front of him and ignores him. Only then Luke allows himself to slip onto his seat. Well, technically it still is Chewie's, but Luke feels comfortable enough to call it _his_. That definition is not entirely true either, because it's not the seat that belongs to him, it's more him who belongs to the seat. He knows how to be a copilot, and he seemed to knew that even the first time they fled: Han immediately got used to correcting him when he was doing something wrong, and soon enough Luke had become good – not nearly as good as Chewbacca, but good enough.

For a while, the two men don't speak. Everything that can be heard in the hall are Han's recommendations to Luke and his half-whispered swears when the Falcon acts on its own accord, something they are both too used to to consider it dangerous. Then, once they are properly flying, safely into orbit, Han leans back against his seat and raises his legs to rest against the main controller. Luke immediately thinks how unfair it is that he doesn't get to do that as well, then he realises with a gulp, Han is not gone.

He could have left, could have gone back to his room and left him alone, checking the ship for a while – it's not like it would be the first time. But Han is _there_ , head reclined back and eyes closed, his hair even more rumpled than usual, resting on lazily crossed arms. Luke notices the dark circles around his closed eyes, and he wishes, for a second, that they wouldn't be there so frequently. Han seems constantly tired, like he hasn't been sleeping in a while. He is well aware he is staring, but Han doesn't see him and it has been so long since they have stood this close. Luke can't help but take in the man's strong figure, so different from his much leaner and tinier one, yet so beautiful nevertheless. He has realised long before how hard he has fell for Han, but everytime the heat in his guts returns it's kind of a surprise, almost as Luke expects the feelings to fade away at some point. They never do.

Han's voice, clear and soft, forces him away from his thoughts. “ _Luke_ ”, he simply says, and there's an inflection to his voice that makes tremors rise all over his skin. If he was more cold-minded, more objective, he could read the heat in his tone, the quiet desperation underlying his steady voice; but Luke has never been good in keeping his feelings in track, so he only notices the tiredness in his voice, scratching no further than on the surface. “Yes?”, he asks, but he can't do much more than breathe the question out. He is surprised of how loud his own breath is, almost as if it had been caught in his throat for the whole time, and maybe it had.

“Is something wrong?” Han asks, too quickly for his own good, while opening his eyes and finding them fixed on Luke's. The boy could pretend to have just turned around, weren't it for the rosy blush that had hurriedly arisen to colour his cheeks. “I- well-” Luke stutters. It isn't so uncommon for him to stutter, even though everytime he feels so silly, but he can't do anything better when Han's gaze is burning his skin. “Why would something be wrong?”, he replies at last.

Han lets out a soft chuckle and swiftly turns around, until he faces Luke. His arms come down from where they rested beside his head and cross against his chest. “You don't reply to a question with a question, kid”, he says, teasingly, and it takes no longer than a moment for Luke to tell him, “Well, I guess I just did”. A soft smile takes his place on the boy's face, until Luke seems to frown and begins worrying at his lips. Han's eyes fall onto them, and he is soon overwhelmed with pictures portrayed by his imagination, tentatively trying to work out how they would feel against his own – but he snaps himself out of the thoughts at once when the silence becomes long enough to be uncomfortable.

“C'mon, Luke, what is it?” Han says again, managing to sound annoyed even though he could never be, not with the way Luke's very blue, bright eyes stare into his. For a second, Luke allows his mind to wonder: what would happen if he looked Han in the eyes and declared his feelings? What would happen if he reached for his face and kissed him? How would he feel under his fingertips, how would he taste under his tongue? Would he be a gentle lover, or would he be rogue? Would he allow him to even deepen the kiss, or would he pull away in disgust and never speak to him again? Would he lose his best friend for a stupid emotion that he can't control, despite himself?

Luke is gasping for breath, struggling against the bound of his own thoughts. He isn't _supposed_ to feel that way, it's just not right. He remembers, during his training, the first thing he learned: emotions are misleading. They can hurt you, and kill you, even make you turn to the Dark side of the Force. Feelings are not allowed in a Jedi's life, let alone if the Jedi is just a padawan. If he's not even ready to be a Jedi yet, how could he manage to love someone else? It's just wrong. Han, Han is too much for him: he has the beauty of someone damned, while he is all but damned. He has charisma, passion, strength, while Luke has none. Han can make him feel weak in the knees with a glare, can make him stare for long, long minutes. There are no chances he hasn't noticed his behaviour, and if he hasn't spoken about it yet, maybe there is a reason. He probably doesn't want to break his heart: Luke knows that, under his façade, he's all but cruel. Then he realises Han is watching him, but his hands are on the steering wheel: and then suddenly he's turning towards the outside, gazing into space as if searching for some kind of sign.

“Han, there's nothing wrong”, Luke says, but he can't avoid the way his voice shakes and cracks along the syllabi. His head is spinning and he feels dizzy, and in the meanwhile he can do nothing but watch the other man drive. He can't say if he has caught the way Luke's voice trembled; he is not even sure Han has heard him. After all, Luke is not the noticeable type, so there would be no wonder. What he doesn't know is that Han is staring from the corner of his eyes, catching up the courage to just talk to him. The best he can do at the moment is huffing slightly, glancing at Luke quickly as he murmurs, loudly enough for him to hear: “Stay.”

The word makes Luke's heart flutter frantically, beating so loud he's sure Han can hear the sound. “I wasn't planning on going anywhere”, he states, and he stays. The trip is over in less than an hour; the two don't need to speak, they just try to be as close as they can without the other suspecting, they bathe themselves in the other's figure. Han drives and Luke observes him carefully, as he has done a million times before, and he never gets sick of noticing the curve of his neck, the light in his eyes, the veins popping out of his hands. At the same time, Han questions himself, because how can he talk now? Luke is there, and he is beautiful; he hears him breathe lightly, and thinks about the boy he knows, the one emerging from his room at dawn with his hair ruffled and spending entire days playing with his powers, not even training. This portrait of Luke doesn't fit well with the image of the hero of the Rebellion, the destroyer of the Star Death. All over the universe he is the Jedi, Luke Skywalker, the one the prophecy talks about: with him he is Luke, _just_ Luke. Han doesn't think he is enough even for just his Luke: he is kind and gentle and just, bright as the sunlight, while he is broken and battered, unworthy. He should be happy just because Luke has chosen to become his friend, he should not seek more.

When they arrive, the planet they stand over is so strange it amazes Luke so much he feels the need to stand up and run to the glass. He puts his hands against it carefully, almost as if he fears it will shatter behind his fingers, and breathes out a _“wow”_ of excitement. Han smiles at his back, saying, “It's quite a sight, isn't it?”

Luke turns around and faces him, eyes still bright with wonder, but he furrows his brow. “How are we going to land?”

Han thinks he's adorable. “We don't actually have to, y'know? We can stop the Falcon and look from outside the doors”.

“Why haven't we done that before?” Luke is almost jumping in excitement by now, and Han is almost overcome with the need to take his wrist and pull him in, and _maybe_ kiss him. He drowns his needs, somehow.

“Well, you never asked if-”

“You never said!”

Han chuckles fondly. “Shall we?”

 

* * *

 

 

It's such a weird feeling to be sitting literally in the middle of the galaxy. Luke doesn't know how the Falcon works – he is going to find out as soon as he can, though – so he tests the limits for a while, while his legs dangle down from the ship. He can't touch anything but air, which is normal, if only the galaxy's air wasn't impossible to breathe for humans: he is almost sure the Falcon has created a protection, a bubble of air around itself, that keeps in oxygen and keeps out the stars. Luke has never seen one from so near before, not even while leading the spaceship itself. He throws an hand out and tries to catch it, but he definitely fails and sits back for a while, wondering, pouting. Han giggles and Luke turns around to look at him, and he is knocked out of breath once again: Han's hair are even more dishevelled, maybe because of the wind – how is there any wind at all? - and he looks divine. And his laughter, oh Force, it immediately manages to provoke genuine giggles from Luke as well. The boy jumps up again and tries to see how far he can walk before falling into the void, and this makes Han serious and calm while he watches him, prepared to catch him in case he falls. He doesn't.

Once he's satisfied with his experiments, Luke sits down on the edge of the Falcon and observes the planet, as if trying to grasp something that's slipping out of his mind. Han sits beside him and watches him, the view long forgotten, because the eyes of the boy represent a serious challenge even to the colours of the sea. Luke doesn't realise what he's doing when he rests his head on Han's shoulder; Han doesn't point it out, he just circles his back with an arm, without pulling him closer. Then, all at once, like a thunderstorm, Luke jumps. “Shit- Han- I'm so sorry-”

Han's eyebrows furrow dramatically. “Hey, kid, you have nothing to be sorry for!”, he states, but Luke isn't listening. He is thrown into pure, sheer panic that makes him stutter. “I knew I was going to ruin everything-”

Luke stands up at once, trying to running away, but Han is quicker than him: he grabs his wrist before he can escape. Luke is breathing heavily, rambling words that have no sense at all, so Han stands up and gets close to him. Luke keeps apologizing, and Han wants to tell him that there isn't anything wrong, but he doesn't have the words. So he murmurs under his breath, “ _Damn it_ ”, and steps forward and kisses Luke. It's not even a proper kiss, just lips touching for a moment, but it's enough to make Luke silent. He looks distressed, so Han pulls away from him and smirks, _praying_ that he hasn't just destroyed their friendship, and jokingly says, “Kid, talk to me”.

Luke chokes on his words once, twice, then whispers, as loudly as he can, “Kiss me again.” Han accomplishes. He feels dizzy and amazed, and lets Luke set the pace. It's a matter of moments before Luke's arms circles his neck, and the boy pushes himself up on his tiptoes to deepen the kiss as well as he knows how. Han notices his inexperience, but he doesn't mind a bit. He puts his hands on his hips and lets them linger, without daring to move them anywhere else. They don't pull away until they absolutely need to, gasping for air, and Han _melts_ when Luke hides his very red face into his chest. Han hugs him, marvelling the way they fit into his each other.

After seconds, Luke raises his head – his cheeks don't seem any less heated – and looks up at him, blue eyes interlocking with his dark ones. He's smiling sheepishly – adorably – while he says, “Where do we go from here?”

Han grins back at him, “Wherever you want, Luke”. He doesn't say kid, just this once, because the whole situation has to be carefully handled. Luke notices. He stops for a second, as if thinking about the captain's words, then finally he brushes his thumb on Han's cheekbone and _demands_ once again, “Kiss me”. Han dives right back into him.

 

**Author's Note:**

> give me some feedback please!  
> come say hi on [tumblr](http://unhookingstarswithoutpermission.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/imonthetardis)!


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